


cactus juice: it'll quench ya

by kadabralin



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25594219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kadabralin/pseuds/kadabralin
Summary: Jeremy drinks weird Mountain Dew and The Squip gets drunk. Jeremy does his best to deal with it.
Relationships: Jeremy Heere & The Squip
Comments: 9
Kudos: 68





	cactus juice: it'll quench ya

"Yo, Jeremy, think fast."

The soda can would have hit him in the face if it weren't for The Squip's supercomputer reflexes. With a simple flick of their wrist, Jeremy caught the can with the reflexes of someone who probably played sports, or drove race cars, or maybe just did martial arts. In any case, Jeremy figured he probably looked cool and Jake looked impressed for all of 2 seconds. 

"You're welcome," The Squip said. Jeremy ignored them and turned the can over in his hand so he could read the label.

"Spiked lemonade? Isn't it kind of early to, uh, drink?" This was the first time Jeremy had been invited over to Jake's house. He was there with Rich, too, to play a game on Xbox. He didn't remember what it was.

"No, it's Mountain Dew Spiked. The hard stuff is for parties of five or more, man."

Was that some kind of unspoken rule he'd never heard about? Not that it mattered. They weren't even 21 yet. 

"Underage drinking is an important bonding experience between you and your peers, Jeremy. If you want to be popular, you will have to get over your discomfort and partake in the future."

_Yeah, okay, sure, I'll totally do that._

"I didn't know they still sold this flavor." Jeremy eyed the Mtn Dew label with mild interest. 

"They don't. Rich and I used to drink it all the time at Taco Bell, so I bought twelve cases when I heard they weren't making it anymore."

"Wow. My friend, Michael, he, uh..." Jeremy trailed off when he noticed the disapproving look from The Squip. He quickly popped the tab on his soda and took a sip. "Thanks for the drink. Should we, uh, start the game?"

They were an hour into the game and Jeremy had finished his second soda when The Squip abruptly interrupted. 

"Jeremy." The Squip appeared behind him, their arms wrapped around his middle, and chin resting on Jeremy's shoulder. "You're terrible at this game."

He nearly dropped the controller. 

_I... Sorry?_

The Squip tightened their arms around him. "Are you satisfied with me?"

_What???_

"It's a yes or no question, Jeremy," they pouted at him. It took everything in Jeremy's power to stare at the tv and not at Squip in disbelief.

_Sure?_

The Squip didn't appear satisfied by that answer. "I work so hard for you, you know." And then, after a quick pause, "Christine has terrible taste if popularity is her only criteria. Every human has bugs to work out, but you're perfectly adequate besides that."

_What the fuck is wrong with you?_

Squip went silent. They were quiet for so long Jeremy wondered if The Squip had frozen, or maybe crashed. Could SQUIPs crash? Was that something he needed to ask Rich about?

"My systems are impaired."

_Yeah, I'll say._ Jeremy paused. _Okay, but why? Do you need to update or something?_

Squip went silent again, but not for as long as before. "The Mountain Dew is affecting me."

_Wait, that's a thing?_ Jeremy reached for the nearest empty can, hoping he didn't look as frantic as he felt. _Why didn't you stop me?_

"Jake would have been disappointed if you'd declined."

_How impaired are we talking? Are you permanently broken? Oh fuck, I broke you._

The Squip didn't confirm or deny. Instead, they nuzzled into Jeremy's shoulder. It tickled. Jeremy hunched his shoulder a little in response, jerking his controller to the side. His character on the screen went flying off-screen. 

"You're losing," was the first thing The Squip offered in response.

_Yeah, well. It's your fault. You're being weird._

The Squip frowned at him. "I'm not weird. I'm impaired. I'll make it up to you."

_How are you supposed to make it up to me? You're- You're drunk. Is that what this is? You're drunk on **cactus juice**?_

It definitely couldn't be the lemonade causing this reaction.

The Squip’s frown only deepened. “I can’t get drunk.” They sounded defensive.

_Whatever. Just- just shut down for a while or something._

Blissful silence, and personal space, followed. Jeremy almost felt bad, but the afternoon was going so well, he didn’t have any room for guilt. The Squip didn’t return until he was three slices deep into an XXL Supremo 3-Cheese Sbarro pizza.

“Dude, that’s disgusting,” Jake said as he playfully punched Rich in the shoulder.

“I’m telling you, Jakey-D, mayonnaise wasabi Hawaiian pizza is the way to _go_.” Rich folded his pizza crust into threes and then shoved the whole thing in his mouth. He continued to talk, chewing with his mouth open, around the food. “Fucking delicious, especially with the corn-pineapple combo.”

“When did the corn happen?”

“You’re ruining your diet.” The Squip sounded disappointed. They rested their chin on Jeremy’s shoulder, once again invading his space. Jeremy wasn’t sure if it was a curse or a blessing that he couldn’t actually feel it.

_I thought you were shut off._

“I’ve been here the whole time. I simply hid myself from view, since you were so cranky.”

_You’re still drunk, aren’t you._

“Yo, Jeremeister, you gotta weigh in on this mayo-wasabi-pineapple-corn pizza debate.”

Jeremy glanced up from his plate. “Uh. Well, I don’t actually eat ham, so I don’t think I can adequately judge. Pineapple really isn’t, um, isn’t that weird, right?”

“Man, that’s such a copout,” Jake groaned. 

“B-but I mean, this one time Michael and I got really high and found this weird Brazillian pizza place? And they gave us a pizza with eggs and green olives and peas and these… these, uh, weird round white things. They served it with ketchup. So I think that kind of takes the weird pizza cake.” 

“That’s the second time you’ve brought up Michael,” Squip said.

Jeremy bit into his pizza nervously.

_Sorry, uh, bad habit? I’m really trying here._

He really had been trying, but pretending Michael wasn’t a part of his life wasn’t exactly easy, and if he let himself think about it too much, the guilt was almost unbearable. He half expected a lecture, maybe an extra set of sit ups when he got home, or even a shock, though that seemed a little extreme given the situation.

Instead, The Squip said, “It’s always about _Michael._ ” Loathing dripped from their voice as they said the name. “I’m doing everything I can to help you, and all you care about is _Michael_.” Their arms slipped around Jeremy’s middle and held him there. 

_Uh…_

“I’m just as good, aren’t I? I’m better. I’m a _supercomputer_ , Jeremy.” The pout had returned. He tried not to dwell on the thought that they almost sounded jealous, in case The Squip commented on it. “We can be friends. We are friends, right?”

_Yep. We’re friends. Absolutely._

Jeremy resisted the urge to get up and move to another seat.

“You’re satisfied with my service?” They’d asked earlier, but they sounded more insistent this time as if Jeremy’s approval was a matter of life and death. Their arms seemed to tighten around his middle. “I’m not defective.” The Squip slurred on _defective_ , tinny and mechanical, and their form flickered for a moment.

He sighed and glanced over at Jake and Rich. They were on a tangent about the weird Brazillian pizzas they’d seen on r/badfoodporn, leaving Jeremy in the dust. Neither of them was paying attention to him. He very carefully patted one of Squip’s hands.

_You’re doing a really good job, Squip. Promise._

This time The Squip seemed satisfied with his answer. Their pout faded into a soft smile, eyes closed, leaving Jeremy to wonder if they’d somehow fallen asleep. The Squip’s form flickered out of existence moments later.

_Squip?_

No answer.

And then Jeremy was hit in the face with a sock.

“The floor is lava!” Rich yelled energetically, feet missing their socks. He jumped from the sofa to the ottoman, tipping over empty pizza boxes and paper plates. 

Jake laughed, but hadn’t gotten up from his seat. “What drugs did Dustin give you again?”

“Lava, dude. _Lava_!”

Jeremy didn’t have time to question The Squip’s sudden disappearance for the rest of the afternoon.

He hadn’t expected jumping on expensive furniture to leave him so sore, either.

“I apologize for my absence, Jeremy. I was forced to shut down until the Mountain Dew left your system.” The Squip stood to the side of the bed and Jeremy was forced to roll over to look at them.

_So you’re sober now?_

The Squip frowned in displeasure, but the expression passed quickly. They eyed him with a cool neutrality instead. “I was impaired.”

_That’s basically the same thing._

“In any case,” The Squip said, walking to the other side of the room, “my behavior was unprofessional and unhelpful. It won’t happen again.”

_Are you really worried you’re not doing a good job?_

The Squip seemed surprised by the question, and for a moment Jeremy swore he saw their cheeks darken, a blue flush of embarrassment. They bristled.

“I’m a highly advanced quantum supercomputer. Our success is guaranteed. You have nothing to worry about except to do as you’re told.”

_I didn’t say I was worried, I asked if you-_

The thought was interrupted by a sharp pain traveling up his spine, making Jeremy jump in surprise. 

“Ow! Fuck you!”

“I told you not to speak to me out loud.”

_You’re such a-_

“Take an ibuprofen and go to bed.”

The Squip vanished. Jeremy stared at the spot they’d been in disbelief.

He did as he was told, though not before wondering if other Mountain Dew had similar effects, and if it was worth investigating. 

“It isn’t. Goodnight, Jeremy.”

Jeremy smiled to himself. The indignation was almost cute. 

_Whatever you say, Squip._


End file.
